Life is strange, and never does turn out like we expected it to. I remember sitting in grade 10 careers class, we were put in front of a computer and told to map out what we wanted to do for the rest of our lives. A bunch of clueless 15 year old’s expected to know what there whole adult life would entail when most of us couldn’t even cook a meal. I remember everything I wrote down that day, I was going to graduate class of 2016 from my high school, I was going to continue to be in dance and on sports teams. I was going to go to college when i was 18 for drama? Or to be a teacher? Or law..maybe? That was one of the things I just couldn’t and still can’t seem to decide on. I was obviously going to graduate from my high-school though, with the same people I shared classes with now, except I didn’t, because life never does turn out how we expect it to.

That 15 year old kid sitting in a tiny overcrowded computer lab could have never imagined being where I am now, would have never of considered it possible to not graduate with the rest of her class, to not only not graduate from her school but to be kicked out before she had a chance to succeeded. That young and naive little girl would have laughed at the idea that things like that could happen, that the world as she knew it could suddenly turn dark just because people didn’t understand, because they are scared. Not that I blame them, I didn’t understand either and at this rate I probably never will.

Sick, disabled? Chronically ill? There’s not really a word I can use to describe everything that has happened in the last four years and honestly it usually takes way more than one. I am a mystery, an enigma, something that not even the best doctors can figure out. I am simply me, the girl who has learned to “just keep swimming” no matter how strange life may get. I am the girl who has learned to laugh, to laugh at herself and at the people around her. I am the girl who has figured out the hard way that life is a coursing river, and will sweep you off your feet if you don’t accept the flow. I am not saying not to fight back, but to know when to let go and enjoy the ride, know when things are simply unchangeable.

I was 16 the first time I lost consciousness, I was in math class and I felt dizzy. Nothing big I always felt dizzy those days, always seemed to be sick and nauseous, my head spinning in circles like a Mary-go-round. The doctors said I was fine, probably just stress. And who wouldn’t be stressed in math class 3 weeks before exams. So I blew it off, hoping that getting a drink of water would somehow help. It didn’t of course and the next thing I know i’m staring at the washroom ceiling wondering how I came to be lying on the bathroom floor. That was the first but certainly it wasn’t the last, I can’t even tell you how many times it has happened since then, how many days I have woken up staring at the ceiling, all i can tell you is it never stopped after that day and maybe it never will.

“Hi i’m Tiffaney I faint a lot but don’t worry i’m fine….” the introduction I use when meeting new people, accompanied by an awkward smile and strange laugh., never knowing how to say it no matter the amount of times I’ve needed to. What I really want to say is “Hi I’m Tiffaney I faint a lot but please don’t treat me differently, please don’t let this define who I am to you, please don’t exclude me because I  am sick or disabled or broken”. I can’t say this though so I stick to awkward smiles and funny jokes hoping that people will understand that I just want to belong and be accepted. I have faced rejection due to my condition many times in the last four years but that doesn’t mean it gets any easier. The first time it happened I understood but I still cried while explaining to my mother that the manger for my first ever job felt it was too dangerous for me to work in a kitchen. I screamed the day I was told by my high school principal that having me in school was distracting to other students. That she didn’t feel I could succeed in this environment, that my safety was at risk and most importantly that if I were to get hurt it would be the school held responsible. So the best conclusion in this situation was to have me no longer go to school. I almost quit the day my director made a comment that he didn’t think i should be working at a summer camp but pushed on because of great friends and pure stubbornness.

I tell myself it should get easier to deal with, that I should be prepared for the onslaught but I never am. I cried, and screamed and even quit my first semester of college. I was So excited to finally begin that knew chapter not considering that I may find rejection in even the place I choose to call home. And as much as I swore it would never again bother me it did. Because no matter how strong you get discrimination will hurt every time, but I have learned being strong is not about not feeling hurt it is about not letting it define you. It is about getting back up every time you fall and jumping back in that river, being strong is letting the current take you to its next destination but still remembering all you have learned at the last one.